By Alexa Linton, BSc, DOMP, EST (originally written for Horse Journals Magazine)

I’ve been writing articles for quite a few years now, and have wanted to write this one for a long while, but couldn’t quite bring myself to it. The fact is, talking about death and dying is hard, even when a part of your career is focused on it. I literally wrote a book about it, and work with animal lovers all over the world to move through this transition more easefully, and it’s still a challenge to go there. So I’m going to make my best attempt here to write on this tough topic, acknowledging that it is emotional, often triggering, and just plain hard to look at, but in my experience is made easier by awareness and preparation, rather than not facing it. 

When I wrote my book, Death Sucks: A Straight up Guide to Navigating your Pet’s Final Transition, I was thinking not only of the countless animal lovers that I had met who struggled with death and dying, but also of myself, and specifically of my relationship with Diva. I had never felt so connected and “in love” with another animal (and if we’re being real, at that time, any person) and it terrified me to think of losing her. I grappled with this fear while writing my book and since, and I can’t say that I’ve released it fully, but I’ve definitely found more peace, in part because I allowed myself to be fully with the reality that someday, she will make her final transition and I will be the one supporting her in it, universe willing. I have talked with hundreds of people about death, witnessed their pain, their confusion, their shock and their fear, and often, their guilt. Through it all, one thing became clear – death can be a minefield when we are unprepared and under resourced, and an experience of grace when we are prepared and resourced. Either way, like my book says, it’s going to be hard, and there’s no avoiding grief if you felt care and love for your horse.

I want to start this conversation by saying that the passing of horses, I believe, can be more challenging than other pets. I say this in the spirit of preparation, and to support you to know what to expect and plan for. Horses tend not to die of old age, or of their own volition, but rather, assisted via euthaniasia because of colic or other digestive issues, unresolvable/debilitating pain, injuries, fractures, choke, or disease. Some of these situations we can prepare well for, and many we can’t. They are big animals and as such, their death, even by euthanasia, can be hard to witness, and the choices for their bodies post-life are not always ideal. When we are considering timing, we need to think about things like the weather (can my aging horse thrive through another winter?), the state of the ground (if you plan to bury, frozen ground is a big consideration), sleep patterns (can they still get up and down? Are they sleeping?) and hooves (can they still pick up their feet for a farrier?). And often, it is on us to make a final call about euthansia, which can be a heavy burden to bear during and after. 

This is not intended to scare you, but more so to allow you control over what you can control, and to process this information now, rather than when it is happening and you are not in the space to manage logistics and details. The reality is that most of the preparation we can do is actually emotional, building our emotional bandwidth in order to allow the movement and processing of emotions in the healthiest way possible, to allow us to be with our fear of death now so we can love our horses with our whole hearts and enjoy our time together to the fullest extent. 

There are three main parts of this process that we need to prepare for: before, during and after. All of these parts are unknown and unpredictable, so preparation actually looks a whole lot like accepting what is, being with our emotions in each moment, taking care of our herd, ourselves and our health, asking for help, and connecting with your horse communities well in advance about specific logistics in your area. I will tell you this straight up, preparing for a sudden or shocking passing is almost impossible, and this is where resources like good friends, vets and counselors are essential. You’re going to need people to support, love and care for you through your grief and shock, so you can show up for your horse, your herd, and yourself. 

I know this is all probably hard to read so I’m going to spend the next bit giving you my best guidance about these three phases, and maybe a few things will resonate for you and support you in your unique process. 

1. Work with your grief. We all have pent up grief, which is actually love for those we have cared about and lost. It’s essential to allow this emotion to move and express. It’s natural to experience anticipatory grief before your horse’s passing, especially if you are witnessing a change or decline in health. After a death, letting yourself experience this emotion is healthy and important, and giving yourself time and space to feel is both hard and very helpful.
2. Take care of you during this process – eat well, drink water, sleep when you are able, see your friends, connect with a therapist if needed. There are amazing therapists that work specifically with grief and loss. 
3. If anyone says “it’s just a horse” in an attempt to make you feel better (aka make you stop being emotional so they feel more comfortable), you have my permission to unfriend them immediately. This is your beloved family member and their passing is as challenging as the loss of any loved one, human or otherwise. 
4. Work with an animal communicator or other professional if you need support around timing, fear, logistics or other unknown aspects of this transition. We are not meant to do this alone, and often your horse will have input on what they want or need.
5. If you can, let your herd be with the body of their herd mate. This allows them to grieve naturally and process this loss in their own time. 
6. Do what it takes to be there for your horse during their passing. As in life, you were their anchor, and so it is in this final transition. Do the emotional and mental work to be able to face this day together, for the love of your horse. 
7. Research after-life options in your area well before any concrete plans are required. Talk with your veterinarian, barn owner and others to understand the steps in this process and to make a plan that feels good for you and your horse and herd. 
8. Allow death to be a ritual. Collect mane hair to use as feels right, adorn your horse for their final transition, ask good friends of you and your horse to be a part of their passing so you don’t have to do it alone, sing a song, write a poem, have a painting commissioned or a photograph framed. Do whatever feels honouring for your horse and for your partnership and take the time you need with their body and the things that remind you of them. And yes, it is natural that all of this may feel painful and hard, but if you allow the wave of challenging emotion to move, your love for your horse and from your horse will be there waiting. 
9. Consider adding some form of basic intuitive work/animal communication to your tool-kit – being able to connect and communicate with our animals, even in simple ways can be highly supportive. My online course Kinetic Communication shares a step-by-step process of learning how to do Applied Kinesiology to connect with your animals.
   
10. If you need a little more support, you can buy my book Death Sucks: A Straight-up Guide to Navigating your Pet’s Final Transition on Amazon or you can listen to my Whole Horse Podcast episodes with Tara Davis, Betsy Vonda and Dr. Tracy Rainwaters. 

If you got through this list, well done, and if not, just keep this article around for when you’re feeling more ready and resourced.

I hope some of what I shared feels helpful, and that you feel a little more prepared and a little more able to support your horse(s) through their final transition.

Until then, I wish all of you and your horses long and fulfilling lives.

Alexa